Yes, that’s the title. Yes, we have ruined the language. And no, there’s absolutely no need to go all “Oh, that is so not true…”, because, well let’s face it, you’d be pretty fucking stupid if you said something like that.
Make no mistake, I am referring to the Queen’s/British English, also known as the ‘only correct way to speak English’. So if y’all gonna advocate sum o’ dis shizzle, or you totally so don’t agree with, like, what I’m saying, like, then you are encouraged to sod off, and crawl back under the rock from whence you came, and leave the language bloody well alone.
For this woeful degeneration of English, American SitComs must be blamed. Ignore the Yoda-esque syntax of the previous sentence, and give the matter a tumble through your intellectual thicket. Who brought in an extreme proliferation of the words ‘awesome’,’cool’,’sweet’, to the extent that Americans are now apparently deprived of any other viable adjectives to use? Who started the trend of using ‘so’,’totally’,’like’ at completely random and inapplicable places in conversation? Who mocks the British over their accent, when it’s their goddamn language in the first place?
I blame ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’. And ‘How I Decided to Meet Your Very Daft Mother Who Is Yet To Show Up 7 Years Into The Damn SitCom’. And ‘Mad Love’. And pretty much anything that is not shown on a BBC affiliated channel. While without doubt one of the greatest pieces of television ever, it was F.R.I.E.N.D.S, or more specifically, Jennifer Aniston who precipitated the demise of English with her usage of ‘so’ as a substitute for ‘very’. (Also read: “We were so not on a break”). And then along came ‘HIMYM’. (The perceptive may realize that I have not condescended to typing out the actual name of the show, in response to what it was, and what it is becoming). And just nobody (even me, for a little while) seemed to realize that just because Barney Stinson said it ad nauseam, didn’t mean ‘awesome’ was awesome.
The effect just seemed to snowball with the obsessive-compulsive fans in our great country. Any and every child introduced to the world of promise that is college has to watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S or ‘How We Hate That Show With Something About Somebody ki Maa…”. It is, in it’s basest form, treated like a rite of passage, or ‘coming of age’, and rightly so. These sitcoms, for years have instructed us in the great and virtuous traits of caffeine swilling and unbridled alcoholism and it’s assorted delightful effects. But why, and I cannot stress this enough, WHY must we, with our decidedly Indian accents, ape Neil Patrick Harris just because his character goes around proclaiming that even something as mundane as toilet paper is ‘awesome’?
But then, there was hope. F.R.I.E.N.D.S has ended, and ‘HIMYM’ has been sucking Brontosaurus balls for 3 seasons now. We morons had to turn to a new source of entertainment. And along came ‘Sherlock’. And ‘Coupling’ and ‘Top Gear’. And a whole new vista of TV shows from the great production called BBC. And we realized how superb, fantastic, monumental, and brilliant the English language was. And how seriously over-rated American SitComs were. You’d be lucky to find the adjectives I used in that one sentence in the whole run of ‘Two and a Half Men’.
It is now time for some people to end their sorry existence. These are the people who prance about thinking they know English, or they can speak it, because for them English is not about Coleridge, Shelley, Yeats or Doyle. No sir, they think Jennifer Aniston spouts the best Shakespearic nuances of English, and no person is a verbal virtuoso to match Dr. Sheldon Cooper. These people even followed all the seasons of the crap called ‘Yo Momma’ and then ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, inflicting their opinion upon the unsuspecting public, and proclaiming that American English was ‘in’ and ‘hip’.
And while the aforementioned brain-dead cockroaches are proceeding to grow a few brain-cells, let us connoisseurs of the Gentleman’s parlance hope that the wave of Yankee nonsense peters out and that we may yet see an age of pure English.